It is so strange to realize that something so familiar- a mannerism or a memory or a fold of skin- does not belong to only you. Some, perhaps many, people have delighted and taken comfort in these very things. The stairs I have descended for 15 years are the same stairs my brother travels daily. The freckle on your lover's shoulder has been admired by someone else. The most beautiful song, the one you like to listen to as your car creaks and shudders down a desolate road, is adored by thousands of people. The way your mother's eyes smile has been witnessed long before you ever existed. And while this is wonderful and this is true, it is also cruel and it is lonely.
"Where can we go from here?" you asked, but you had been there before.
And that has made the difference.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Pretend
My family is going away until September, which is the best thing that could ever possibly happen in my life.
As we all know, I adore playing house. I love cooking and cleaning and watching Oprah and folding laundry. I'm going to persuade my friends to stop by with frequency (for the sole purpose of setting out baked goods on the table).
I'm also hoping to finish my room. I've been "painting" since May, and I still haven't put up the first coat. It's just that I'm horrible at staying in the lines, and I want it to be perfect. It's going to look awful, just as it always has.
In other news, I changed my blog's layout. Opinions?
As we all know, I adore playing house. I love cooking and cleaning and watching Oprah and folding laundry. I'm going to persuade my friends to stop by with frequency (for the sole purpose of setting out baked goods on the table).
I'm also hoping to finish my room. I've been "painting" since May, and I still haven't put up the first coat. It's just that I'm horrible at staying in the lines, and I want it to be perfect. It's going to look awful, just as it always has.
In other news, I changed my blog's layout. Opinions?
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Removal
After much evaluation, I have decided to rid my life of all its toxins.
I will not mull over men who want nothing to do with me.
I will realize that people don't care what my hair looks like.
I will stop eating gross things.
I will not have sex with people I don't care about.
I will make an effort to move and explore more.
I will attempt to think positively.
I will not be held by invisible boundaries.
I will replace complaints with solutions.
I will spend more time with my friends and family.
I will believe people when they tell me I am beautiful.
I will be kind, but not naive.
I will trust, but maintain a level of privacy.
I will love.
I will sing.
I will smile.
And this will be enough.
I will not mull over men who want nothing to do with me.
I will realize that people don't care what my hair looks like.
I will stop eating gross things.
I will not have sex with people I don't care about.
I will make an effort to move and explore more.
I will attempt to think positively.
I will not be held by invisible boundaries.
I will replace complaints with solutions.
I will spend more time with my friends and family.
I will believe people when they tell me I am beautiful.
I will be kind, but not naive.
I will trust, but maintain a level of privacy.
I will love.
I will sing.
I will smile.
And this will be enough.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Halt
I blindfolded you and delicately painted my lips over yours.
I was acting, like I always do.
You shuddered, and had I been able to see your eyes, they would have rolled back into their sockets.
I fucked you and it was your birthday.
I hate you because I played my favorite song
and all you could say was "This is stupid."
You would have changed your answer had you known.
Love me, love me, love me.
Your very first mistake was giving me the illusion of power.
But how could you have known, from your shelf above the washing machine?
I was acting, like I always do.
You shuddered, and had I been able to see your eyes, they would have rolled back into their sockets.
I fucked you and it was your birthday.
I hate you because I played my favorite song
and all you could say was "This is stupid."
You would have changed your answer had you known.
Love me, love me, love me.
Your very first mistake was giving me the illusion of power.
But how could you have known, from your shelf above the washing machine?
Saturday, May 23, 2009
A gift
It's made of leaves. And it's beautiful. Exactly as you are.
I will not forget these past few days.
Thank you.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Imperfect
I hate my room.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.
It is red.
And the paint bleeds
onto the molding.
The corners do not meet
as they should
and there is hair
everywhere.
I am going to scream.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.
It is red.
And the paint bleeds
onto the molding.
The corners do not meet
as they should
and there is hair
everywhere.
I am going to scream.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Yellow
I have been listening to this song all week- over and over and over again.
Last night, I was driving home from Mansfield. It was an awful night, and I was toying with the idea of driving into the nearest guardrail at 95mph. As I passed the exit for the Comcast Center, I thought of the Coldplay concert in August and wished I had bought tickets. And then I started thinking of Army Man. He messaged me today out of nowhere, and I was pretending he was in the car with me- something I'm in the habit of doing. I had the most beautiful conversation with him in my head.
I felt like I was going to implode at any moment. There were tears, and I was certain the saline would swallow me whole. I changed the radio station out of boredom. A lady with a raspy voice informed me that Seal and Hedi Klum were playing matchmaker. A song started. "This sounds so familiar," I thought, "but what is it?" And then it registered- it was "Yellow." I was laughing and sobbing and singing. They don't play this song on the Top 40 station. But they did. I stared at the open road ahead of me, realizing exactly how much I love you. I told you that nothing made sense.
I was wrong.
Last night, I was driving home from Mansfield. It was an awful night, and I was toying with the idea of driving into the nearest guardrail at 95mph. As I passed the exit for the Comcast Center, I thought of the Coldplay concert in August and wished I had bought tickets. And then I started thinking of Army Man. He messaged me today out of nowhere, and I was pretending he was in the car with me- something I'm in the habit of doing. I had the most beautiful conversation with him in my head.
I felt like I was going to implode at any moment. There were tears, and I was certain the saline would swallow me whole. I changed the radio station out of boredom. A lady with a raspy voice informed me that Seal and Hedi Klum were playing matchmaker. A song started. "This sounds so familiar," I thought, "but what is it?" And then it registered- it was "Yellow." I was laughing and sobbing and singing. They don't play this song on the Top 40 station. But they did. I stared at the open road ahead of me, realizing exactly how much I love you. I told you that nothing made sense.
I was wrong.
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