Sunday, May 30, 2010

Snapshot Sunday

For the majority of the day, I was stuck at work, where the most exciting thing was acquiring these new elastic sea creatures to add to my collection. Fuck.

After work, I picked up Dylan.

We went to my house, where my mother informed us she just smoked a joint, but denied it as soon as I attempted to videotape/photograph her confession. This is Dylan being creepy and cracking up as Gina flees the scene of the crime.

Then we went upstairs where Dylan showed me the most disturbing/hilarious porno of all time.

After being thoroughly horrified, we headed over to Lauren's house where we met up with Mary and Ian. And Chili's tortilla chips, nomnom.

Once we were settled in Lauren's deathtrap, we discovered this fantastic book.

It includes wonderful things, like the position Jared and I are supposed to use on his birthday. Give me an A(shley)! Coincidence? I think nottttttt!

And also this position (for my birthday), except I don't think it's humanly possible. How rude.

This is Dylan's infamous "YEEE!" which he claims relieves copious amounts of stress. I'm relatively certain he popped a vein in his neck during this particular rendition.

We somehow ended up at a gay bar called "State" which, for whatever reason, housed Lauren's IPod charger. Dylan was in absolute cat-calling heaven.

Then we tried to go look at giant dildos, only Amazing was closed. And the sign refused to be visible in photographs.

And last, but certainly not least, we have a complicated trip to McDonalds wherein Lauren loses her mind.

Happy Memorial Day, kittens.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


Approximately 4 days ago I decided that I had to give up blogging forever. Mainly because no one reads when I post, but also because I'm insane and I do insane things at least 9 times per day.

None of that matters, though. What matters is that I'm bored and I need to rant. Holy shit. The most DEPRESSING show I've ever seen is on TLC right now. It's 6 going on 60, and if you're alive right now, you must watch it.

In other news, I've been craving Chili's. Why do I love it so much? Do they drug the food? I'm certain they do, because it's never not been delicious. I went like 2 weeks ago and got the bacon ranch chicken quesadillas without the ranch. I'll post the photo below. Anyway, they were really bland. The beans were ok, and the rice tasted like a Christmas tree. As I was eating it, it was acceptable/kind of gross, yet in my mind, it was the most delicious thing and now I must have it.

I started summer classes yesterday. 2 classes, back to back with the same professor for 4 hours each morning. It's sheer torture. He's nice enough, but feels the need to talk for 2 hours straight without engaging the class EVER.

So now I'll leave you with random pictures I've taken during my absence.

Falsely delicious Chili's quesadillas.

Taylor being miserable at work. She loves me.

Pretty Sunset on the way to Mr. Lemon/the slums of Woonsocket.

L Rab & the 2 babes, inebriated in my back seat.

Two of the loveliest ladies- Jared's sister & mumsy.

Andddd after I attempted to leave the graduation party, Jared told me it was fine to back up except it wasn't because a fire hydrant was suddenly lodged in my bumper. This is Jared attempting to put it back on. He's lucky I find everything hilarious and that I love him.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Snackshot Sunday

Time: Midnight. Scenario: Dying in bed, Jared expresses his hunger. We talk about Take 5's. And Taco Bell. We don't feel like moving, but the thought of grilled stuft burritos motivates us to get up and go. We were supposed to be babysitting my brother, but he was sleeping and we had more important things on our agenda. I was courteous enough to leave this note in the event my parents got home before us.

Then I made Jared drive because I was wearing green Tinkerbell pajama pants and I didn't want to order because that's embarrassing. He had difficulty backing out of my driveway because there are 9000 cones blocking it for unknown reasons.

Prior to this photo, we had panic attacks because we're freaks who are afraid of ordering things. Around this time, Jared also dubbed this post "Snackshot Sunday," which he thought was SO CLEVER.

Then we came home and watched Uncle Buck which is the greatest movie of all time and ate delicious/disgusting things and died and then Jared left and I got to inherit his warm spot only it wasn't that warm so I was really very disappointed.

I slept and woke up at 10, which Don thought was an acceptable time to bang on my door and ask DO YOU WANT BREAKFAST? He made chocolate chip pancakes and home fries and my plate had an extra spot so I filled it with pineapple. Only it was the kind in a can which is extremely nasty so I scraped it off my plate after I took the picture.

After breakfast, Gina and I decided to go shopping. I convinced her to stop at Dr. Doolittles so we could fawn over the pupperdoonis. This pup is the most adorable thing to ever exist and I tried to gnaw on him through the glass until an employee nearby raised her eyebrow at me.

Then we got Rita's. Gina got a vanilla/orange combo and I got mango. Mine was infinitely better.

Our main purpose for leaving the house was to buy Kristin (Jared's lovely sister) a gift for her baby shower. There were SO MANY BABIES, both inside and outside the womb. I loved all of them deeply, and it is imperative that I quit my job and work at Babies R Us ASAP.

This is my mother surveying the swings as I yell at Jared on the phone behind the lens. We ended up buying the swing anyway, because we felt bad only spending $60 on the basket set she wanted (which looked cheesy in person).

Then we got Chinese. I feel like every picture this week involves some type of heart-attack causing food. OH WELL.

The day ended with a horrifying shift at Stop & Shop, where customers were quite literally out of their minds, resulting in this reaction from Jess.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Snapshot Sunday

I had work in the morning, then went to my aunt's for Mother's Day/Amanda's birthday. Titi & Mema are cute.

The babies were entertaining as always. "Ashley, how does Jared grow a mustache? He's just a teenager!"

Amanda's delicioussss donut cake. I must have one for my birthday.

This is me creeping on Zach. He's the CUTEST thing of all time. And also extremely hilarious.

My obnoxiously loud family's rendition of Happy Birthday. Look at Zach's hug at the end! IT MAKES ME MELT. I need to kidnap him.

After the party, I watched 19 Kids & Counting and waited 900 hours for Jared to stop flossing his teeth and eating strawberry shortcake just so he could come blow in my mouth to see if it would sound like blowing into a bottle. -_-

PS- there has never been a more accurate description of our relationship than the one above.

Saturday, May 8, 2010


I went because although you never made me feel much of anything, you did make me feel beautiful.

I don't know what I thought would happen. I thought we would get coffee and you'd tell me I was beautiful and then I'd go home and it would be fine and we could be friends. Not the kind of friends that hang out every day but the kind of friends that call every few weeks to check up on each other and make sure no one has any heart attacks or missing limbs.

You were exactly the same, except hardened and slightly more sarcastic, and I asked you to stop pretending to be indifferent. "Four months ago," you said, "I thought we would be sitting here making plans for a trip once you were done with your classes. I didn't think we'd be doing this. I can't be your friend. I'm happy that you're happy, ok? You're independent and you have a job and a car and you go to school and I think you're amazing and your family is incredible and the cookies were fantastic and all I can say is that your boyfriend is lucky. But you don't want me, Ashley, so what do you want me to do?" And what was I supposed to say? I tried changing the subject, but all I could talk about was him, and you told me to stop. I was silent and you jerked the truck around more than necessary. It was a can that never needed opening, and all I could think about was the time we went to Denny's and you ate all of my pancake fritters and you lied on my birthday and lied and lied and lied and lied.

I left feeling uglier than ever, but at least I know now that the answers cannot be found simply because the questions don't make any god damn sense.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

If I ever meant to go away


Around the bend from my house.

I find myself wishing I had done this all differently.