Thursday, April 2, 2009


I've just decided that winter is the only acceptable season. I foolishly longed for spring, forgetting one major detail- worms.

To say I despise worms would be an understatement. They are the most hideous, vile creatures I've ever seen (besides snakes and centipedes and other worm-like abominations). This hatred runs deep, and is triumphed only by extreme fear. When it rains, my whole day is ruined.
Yesterday, for example, was cloudy all morning and afternoon. This was not problematic. I went to my classes and then worked later that evening. While I was at work, it started to rain. My heart sank, and I prayed that when I got out, someone at home would be awake to move the worms. After work, I walked to my car. As a rule, apartments and parking lots are fine places to walk when it rains. This is because there is typically very little soil, which makes for a glorious, worm-free environment. To my surprise, both Mom and Dylan were waiting in the Stop & Shop parking lot. My mom had apparently carpooled for a benefit dinner and the pick up/drop off point was the store. Dylan was just waiting to hang out with me (with a chocolate chip cookie dough Frostie in hand!). "MOM! I'm so glad you're here. You're going to have to de-worm the driveway for me." She sighed and rolled her eyes, and we all drove home.

I pulled up to the driveway and turned my high beams on. I whimpered. There were at least 13 bastards creeping about. Dylan got out of the car, and I was in awe of his ability to calmly stand in a worm-infested driveway. My mom spotted one obvious critter and kindly moved it to the grass, but neglected to notice the remaining 12. She went inside and brought me "the boots," which are giant, knee-high rubber boots I wear when worms come out. She placed them in the puddle beside my car, and I rolled down the window and screamed at her to remove them from the puddle (there were 2 worms having a field day in that fucking puddle). Convinced that one of the worms was attached to the bottom of the shoe, I refused to let the boots come in the car. My mother, livid with my irrationality, threw the door open and shoved the boots inside. I was on the verge of tears, positive that there was a worm in my car and that it was going to crawl all over me and I was going to die of a heart attack. My dad came out and offered to carry me, so I shoved my feet in the damn boots, closed my eyes, and ran like hell to the door.

I cannot live my life like this anymore. Did you know that this morning, I skipped class because I knew there would be worms on campus and no one would be around to move them?

Why worms? I mean, snakes are easily avoidable, and spiders aren't necessarily abundant (visibily, at least).

Someone help.

1 comment:

HiQKid (Alex) said...


I wish I were an inventor. I'd make an AWF for you...

Er, anti-worm field, that is.

Carry on, be strong.