Sunday, January 4, 2009

This is not how I thought it would be. I always thought it would get better. I thought I'd move away and meet people I could honestly feel at home with. I'd wear sweaters and pick apples and write poetry and sleep outside. I'd smile and fall in love and learn to play guitar.

And here I am. On a futon, feeling sick to my stomach, listening to The Decemberists. And now I'm crying. Fuck.

I just...I don't know. I don't know. I feel like this is the end of my life. I feel like it's just going to keep being like this. I'm going to keep sleeping and waking up and going online and never leaving the house except for work or school.

I opened up my music folder a few minutes ago. "Do I even like music anymore?" I thought. I mean, I used to actively seek out new and interesting music. It used to make me happy. But now I rarely listen to it. And when I drive, I prefer to keep the radio/my Zune off completely. I find the hum of my engine to be unsettling yet soothing. But this scares me, because I hate everything. I hate going out, I hate staying in, I hate cooking, I hate writing, I hate people, I hate the wall, I hate the window, I hate this world, I hate that I have no friends, I hate that I'm socially inept, I hate that I've never met my father, I hate sex, I hate that all people want to do is have sex, I hate that I'm not pretty, I hate hearing people chew, I hate pretending to text when I'm in public because I'm afraid to look at people, I hate falling in love at red lights, I hate working at Stop & Shop, I hate going to Rhode Island College, I hate Seekonk, I hate myself, I hate my friends, I hate being a woman, I hate that my feet are perpetually cold, I hate that I'm fat, I hate worms, I hate guilt, and I hate sleeping alone. And that was okay. I was getting used to hating all of those things. Because I liked music, right? And now I'm indifferent to it. Indifference is far worse than hatred.

And now I'm laughing. Within the five minutes it took me to write this fucking post, I started feeling better. And then I was angry because I didn't feel like shit anymore and I at least wanted to wallow in depression until I published this damn thing.


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